1918
by cheaplittlenotebook
Summary: Edward's life immediately before he was changed, and a little bit afterwards.
1. The Beginning

**I have so many witty remarks to make about this story. ****For one, I apologize for any historical discrepancies and discrepancies from the _Twilight _books. However, in regards to the second apology, I'd like to say that really wanted to have a lot of creative freedom with this little story, anyway. ^^;**

* * *

Spanish influenza? No, we'll never be affected. We're far too careful. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my father leave for work and nodded goodbye to him, then returned to the newspaper I was reading. Tired of the bad news, I sighed and set the paper aside. Was the world falling into chaos? An influenza outbreak...well, my parents were far too protective of me, at least. They would not allow me near anything that even hinted of the flu.

I sat down at my piano and rested my fingers on the keys, hearing in my head the music I would play. I closed my eyes and mused over it. There were things I wanted to say that couldn't be said with words. Slowly, I started moving my fingers over the keys. Not quite there.... I took a deep breath then started moving my fingers over the keys again. That was about right. The music flowed from me with hardly any effort. It was chaotic, yet triumphant-reminiscent of the world I was living in right now. Even as the world fell apart with all the sickness and death, love still conquered.

Time slipped past me quickly, and before I knew it, it was seven o'clock. Quickly, I scribbled down the notes I had played-I would play it over again later and edit it to make it better, but for now I had promised a date with a special someone.

She lived not even half a mile away, so it was an easy walk to her house. I knocked on the door when I arrived, and her father answered quickly. Smiling, he said playfully, "Late again, Edward?"

I looked at my watch; I was half an hour later than I thought I would be. "I apologize, sir. I got caught up..."

He laughed cordially. "It's quite alright, I understand. We all have our passions." He knew and understood about my love for piano, though most people told me that that there was not much that could be done with a talent for music.

"Thank you," I said under my breath, a bit shy from his forgiveness. I was glad that her parents liked me, though. Many of our friends' parents were much stricter about timeliness.

Mary Ann came down in a few moments, unprompted. Seeing her beautiful smile caused a smile to spread across my face as well-I could not contain my happiness when I was around her. "Edward," she said breathlessly and took my hand. Her father smiled and bade us goodbye. I nodded politely and we headed out into the night air.

As soon as we were out of sight of the house, Mary Ann wrapped her arms around me, giggling. I smiled wider and hugged her back, then gave her a kiss. She kissed me back passionately, and I started to hesitate.

"What?" she asked.

"Ahh...Let's go somewhere a bit more..._private_."

She giggled. "My parents aren't going to see us from here!"

"All the same..." I smiled and her eyes lit up.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful, adorable smile...?" she mused.

"Once or twice before," I told her and kissed her again. She had described my own smile to me on several occasions-a crooked smile that she claimed lit up her life, though she often told me this in many more words. I held her even closer and kissed the top of her head.

"What happened to getting farther away from my house?"

I chuckled. "You're right." I took her hand and started jogging toward the park. I heard her laugh ring through the air behind me as we entered the park. We walked to the center, where there was a large tree we frequented.

"Didn't you tell my parents that we would be watching a picture tonight?" Mary Ann asked, making her way up the tree.

I looked up to her and smiled at her playfulness. "I like to rebel every now and then," I responded.

"You're so romantic," she giggled, leaning down and kissing me. I caught her lips with mine and held onto the branches that she was using for support. Gingerly, I pulled myself up and planted my feet to the tree, then climbed slowly upward. When I was fully positioned next to her on the branch that she was sitting on, I pulled away, hand moved to the back of her head. Her brown eyes were bright even in the moonlight, her skin its usual pale color. Her lips were a soft pink color, only a dash of lipstick on them to accentuate their beautiful color even more. I stroked her soft brown hair lightly. She returned the gesture, gazing back into my eyes. Surely this was the meaning of serenity-sitting underneath the stars with the one I loved, exchanging gestures of that love. I kissed her nose lightly; she giggled. Turning away, the giggle turned into a cough.

"Are you alright, love?" I asked with concern. It did not seem like an ordinary cough. Maybe she was coming down with something.

She cleared her throat and brushed it off, thankfully. "I'm alright. Just a little cough."

I rested my back against a strong limb and laid Mary Ann on my chest. Some people started rustling around on the ground, and I peeked through the leaves toward them. A boy and a girl were stumbling along down there, taking each other's clothes off and acting wholly indecent. Drunken fools. I was grateful that we were hidden behind the foliage, but at the same time I was a bit paranoid. I thought for a little bit, strategizing. If we were to move up, we might make noise and they would wonder what was going on. If we stayed where we were, they may come up anyway and possibly hurt themselves or us. _Don't worry about it,_ I told myself. _If they start to come up here, then we can move. Mary Ann is not difficult to carry._

I could tell that Mary Ann was looking over my shoulder to the people below us. Her thoughts were probably similar to mine. I stroked her hair lovingly. "No need to worry about them, love," I whispered softly into her ear.

"Never, when you're around," she whispered back just as softly.

We sat silently for a few moments, and eventually the two strangers left our company, thankfully. With the two of them out of the way, I started humming the music I had been playing, softly enough that it wouldn't ruin the moment, but with enough amplitude that she could hear me. "That's beautiful," she mused drowsily. I continued humming, my hand still moving through her hair.

"Nothing could be as beautiful as you," I muttered.

She moved her head to the side, her ear on my heart. "I could think of one exception..."

"No..." My hand brushed over her face, and with alarm, I moved it to her forehead. "Mary Ann, are you sure you're feeling alright?"

"I do feel a bit off now, come to think of it..."

"I'll take you home..."

"Edward--"

"You're not feeling well. It feels like you have a fever," I interrupted. "I don't want to be up here _in a tree_ if you're feeling tired and sick. I'm not going to let you fall!"

"You're right..." she reasoned. "Just be careful..."

"Of course." I positioned her in my arms so that I could carry her down, making sure to keep her close to my body so that she wouldn't get injured.

"Do you think you can walk?" I asked her when we were on the ground.

"I should be fine," she said drowsily, with a sort of weakness in her voice. I didn't believe her--in fact, she was really worrying me--but I hated to question her. She was strong, and a little sickness wouldn't bring her down too much. I worried too much, anyway.

I took Mary Ann's hand, and she leaned her head on my shoulder. The walk back to her house was disproportionally long compared to the time it had taken us to walk here from her house. "How long have you been feeling sick?" I questioned her along the way.

"I guess I've been feeling a little off for the past few days," she admitted, then coughed again. "It's just a little cold, though. No big deal."

"You sound so tired..."

"I am tired. But I will be fine. Just a cold," she reassured. I just hoped she wasn't saying that to make me, and herself, feel better.

"Bed rest will do you some good, then," I told her, feeling no need to express my concern that there could be something more behind her cough than just the common cold.

"I agree," she said. She glanced up at my face. "Stop worrying so much, Edward. I'll be fine."

"Of course you will be." I held her closely to side, hoping that her sickness would soon pass. It _had_ to pass.

Didn't it?

* * *

***insert witty remark here*: Duh, it didn't, Edward. We all know what's gonna happen at this point...but all the same, I am an attention whore who would like people to continue reading anyway. XD Puh. Regardless of whether or not we all know that Edward dies of the Spanish flu, the next chapter is still my favorite. LOL**


	2. Things Have Changed

**You know, Edward, the word "killer" is sooo relative...**

* * *

And, naturally, it didn't. Spanish influenza. When I got the call from Mary Ann's parents, I had an instinctive understanding that there was some sort of urgency. It was more than just the common cold. But did it have to be the Spanish flu? No...Not her, too...At least there had been room for her in the hospital. So many people were sick that it was becoming difficult to find a spot. I just prayed that she would be okay. She was strong though...she was strong.

My parents would not permit me to see her in the hospital, and that was understandable, painstaking though it was. I needed confirmation that she would be okay. I needed to see her bright brown eyes gazing into mine. It was astonishing how much I missed her. My fingers could not move across the piano keys the same way without the certainty that I would hold her again.

About a week or so after Mary Ann was hospitalized, though, things began to look down for me as well. It started with a cough, like it had with Mary Ann, but I pushed it away with a strong sense of denial. I didn't want this to be the reality. I didn't want the same sickness that was going to conquer my Mary Ann conquer me, too. I didn't want it to win. It took only hours until I had to be hospitalized, though. I wasn't nearly as strong as Mary Ann, and the disease spread so quickly that I could hardly stand up straight before I had even come to the realization that it was the Spanish flu.

Carlisle Cullen was the doctor that tended to me when I was hospitalized, though I tried not to think about anything. I knew that Mary Ann was in the very building that I was in, and it was excruciating to have that knowledge and not be able to walk over to her and hold her, to not be able to see her. How was she doing? She couldn't have been dead, not yet...At least the sickness made it easy for the horrid thought to be pushed out of my mind.

Dr. Cullen didn't speak much, but it was clear from his the expressions, during the minutes in which I was even feeling well enough to see them, that I was dying. The mood seemed to get even worse, though, the second day I was in the hospital. There was something about the way he looked at me that didn't seem quite right. Taking a stab in the dark, I guessed that someone that I loved was not doing well. I prayed it wasn't my parents as well. If they were sick, too-well, it was my entire fault. When he came to check up on me in the middle of the day, I finally gathered the strength to ask him about it.

He was even more solemn after I managed to utter the question about them. "These are difficult times. The disease is spreading, and some things are just inevitable."

A vague answer that clearly meant yes. Damn it. If I even had the strength to cry, I would have. I didn't have the heart to ask about Mary Ann, though. I didn't want to see the hurt expression on his face that would say, yes, she is gone. Of course I loved my parents and wanted them to be well, but somehow I felt obligated to ask about them. As their son, I felt the need to be informed of their status. As Mary Ann's boyfriend...well, I could bear not knowing.

The hospital was chaotic, and Dr. Cullen rushed in and out of the room that I was sharing, ensuring that patients had the supplies they needed to live or otherwise to die comfortably. I could almost feel sorry for the poor souls, each dying in their own kind of misery, thinking about the ones they would be leaving behind-maybe even thinking of the ones that they loved that were in the hospital now, as I was. Despite the different souls that resided in the room, it was not difficult to imagine what the others were thinking, for the epidemic was universal in this hospital.

That night, though, when I was sure that I would finally be leaving, when I was sure that I no longer would have to wonder how Mary Ann or my parents were, Carlisle Cullen came into my room with a different atmosphere than usual. There was something furtive about his entrance into the hospital room, as if he was about to commit a crime. My eyes were opened, albeit barely, and I could just see the outline of his tall body and the pale tint of his white skin as he moved into the room. My first assumption was that he was going to give me some sort of remedy to try to at least make me sleep a little better, but when he put his cold stony hand on my shoulder and bent down to whisper in my ear, I knew that there was something else going on.

"I'm going to take you away, Edward." He paused. "It's difficult to explain why. I don't have time to explain. Don't be alarmed. I'm going to save your life." I closed my eyes tight and the stone hands lifted me from the bed effortlessly. I had never realized how strong he was. I almost wanted to fall back onto the bed because the temperature of his arms was such a stark contrast from the temperature of the bed I had just been sitting on. How would he save my life, anyway? I was dying, I was dying, and I knew it. There was no hiding or denying the fact. He hadn't even been able to make me feel any better these past two days; I was only getting worse.

I opened my eyes when he finally put me down onto another bed. The room that he took me to was isolated, free of any influenza victims. Why was he doing this? The first thought that came into my mind was that he was going to just kill me mercifully, and he had lied about it.

He took a deep breath. "This is going to be painful," he warned. I didn't know how I should respond. There was no needle, no gun, no anything in either of his hands that could alleviate my physical or emotional pain. I wanted to ask what he was doing, but I was only worse from the state I had been that afternoon. I could not bear to utter another word. I just closed my eyes and braced myself.

I felt the doctor's presence next to my neck, then felt his cold lips touching my skin. The action alarmed me greatly, but I was beyond the point of doing anything about it. There was a sort of hesitation, as if he was uncertain of whether or not he wanted to do what he was bracing himself for. I felt his teeth sink into my neck and found that I had just enough energy left in me to scream in pain.

The burning sensation was unlike any fever I had ever felt. It spread from my neck to my chest to the rest of my body, replacing any of the Spanish flu that had entered my body. Despite the pain and the impression of vulnerability that it caused me, somehow I could feel some strength returning, and then some. When the fire had spread to the tips of my fingers, Dr. Cullen finally freed his mouth from my neck. He put his hand over my heart and said, "Don't worry, Edward. You will be fine soon. The pain lasts for but a short while compared to the amount of time you will be living without it. I have some patients to tend to, but I will be back to check up on you. I apologize for leaving you when you are in so much pain, but I cannot leave these people alone."

My breathing was heavy; the fire was burning throughout my body and I was sure that this was the end. The strength that was coming into my body was not of my body: it was simply affirmation that I was leaving my weak, vulnerable self. Dr. Cullen didn't turn to leave yet, though. I looked into his golden eyes, trying to find something comforting beyond the pain. It was not much help; he was a compassionate doctor and it was obvious in his eyes that there was some regret tied in with his decision to do whatever had been done. I closed my own eyes instead, trying to remember something that didn't deal with pain.

I had never imagined that I would go to hell when I died, and certainly I didn't anticipate that its fires would feel like this.

"The pain should last only a few days. _Do not leave this room_. I will check up on you hourly." I heard the door close and lock; I suppose I was being held prisoner now. I was dying, anyway-how did he expect me to leave?

* * *

Dr. Cullen was right-the pain stopped within three days. When it finally faded, chatter filled my head in a maddening manner. So now I wasn't just dead, I was schizophrenic? I asked him about it when he checked up on me after the pain was gone. He seemed confused.

"Voices?" he asked, eyebrow furrowed. "What kind of voices?"

"It's...it's just a mess of people speaking. Inside my head. Are you sure..."

"I don't hear any voices. You and I..." He hesitated, thinking of the words to express what he wanted to say. "We're the same now. And I don't have any voices in my head. Odd...I don't have any explanation for it."

"I don't feel sick anymore. But my throat is burning." I looked around the room. My eyes were seeing things with more clarity now with colors that I had never seen before. My nose was breathing in scents that it had never breathed in before. I could feel it in my body-I was different and stronger.

"You are not sick anymore. This will help the burning." He held out a bag with a red substance in it. It looked like blood. I was skeptical. _Please, trust me_, I heard the doctor's voice beg in my head. Shocked, I looked up.

"Trust you?" I asked.

Carlisle Cullen looked stunned. _Can you read minds?_ his voice said in my mind again.

"I...I..." This new ability was startling me almost more than the clarity of my other senses. "I suppose I can," I answered.

"Extraordinary," he said in awe. He cleared his throat. "Drink this. I will be able to explain everything to you later. But this will help the burning for now." I took the bag from him and he continued his speech. "Edward, do not leave this room."

"You've told me twice before."

"I will explain everything later. I promise. I know you're confused right now." He left to perform his duties, and I started drinking the blood-like substance.

Confused did not begin to cover it.

* * *

Carlisle Cullen drove me to his house later on that evening, though he was quiet on the drive there. I didn't like the silence and I didn't understand why he was taking me to his home and not mine.

"My parents are dead, aren't they?" I asked.

"Your mother requested that I save your life. When we get to my house, I will explain."

The conversation ended there until we went into his abode. He indicated that I should follow him to his room, where he brought out a suitcase. Before he began packing, he turned to me and started speaking.

"Edward, I know that it's difficult to believe, but you are no longer human. The bags I gave you contained animal blood. You don't have to feed on humans." He held a mirror to my face. I looked at the stranger's reflection, shocked. My eyes were a crimson red color, my skin a pale white with circles under my eyes as if I needed sleep. But other than that, my face was shockingly flawless. "You're a vampire now, Edward." My fingers tightened on the handle of the mirror. I let it go, but too late to avoid destroying it. Dr. Cullen caught it and set it aside. "You mustn't let anyone know. My world-our world now-is a secret." He turned and started packing a suitcase. "I've resigned from my job. I know it's untimely with the epidemic but..." He shook his head. "Even though Mrs. Masen is no longer with us, I cannot take the risk that anyone else should know. I was shocked to discover that she knew."

"So my mother _is_ dead," I grieved.

Dr. Cullen took a deep breath, regretful. "Yes. Neither of your parents survived. I'm so sorry, Edward."

"I want to go back to my house," I said coldly.

He nodded. "Yes. As soon as I pack my bags, we will go back to your house and you can take from it whatever you need to remember."

I could feel tears coming to my eyes, but nothing fell from my eyes. Carlisle closed his bag and put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry. This flu is so difficult to cure. The most we can do is ensure that people suffer as little as possible when they die."

"What about Mary Ann Carroll?" The words came out stiffly; in fact, the only reason why they came out at all was because I was already alive. And I could save her now.

"Pardon me?"

"Were you treating Mary Ann Carroll?"

"The name is not familiar."

There were no traitor thoughts in his mind. So I'd never know...

"If you'll excuse me for a moment..." he started. I nodded and sat down on the bed, tears still wanting to fall from my eyes. Dr. Cullen ran through the room at blurring speeds, and I buried my face in my hands, realizing that my world was crashing down. I was going to go through a prolonged life without my parents, without my love? I was going to be walking through this world all alone now? And not even as myself, but as someone else. Even if my love and parents _had_ survived, I would no longer be able to see them, anyway, and I would not ever be able to see my friends again. I would have no condolences other than a stranger doctor to get through this. No...no...it was too much to bear.

"Dr. Cullen," I begged. He stopped his movement.

"You may call me Carlisle, Edward."

"Why?" I questioned, ignoring his request. "Why did you obey my mother? You could have just let me die. You wouldn't have to leave and you could keep tending to patients and I could be with my parents, wherever they are. I could be with my girlfriend. Now..."

"Your mother requested that I save your life. And, I would be leaving anyway, as long as she told me she knew."

"Did you kill her?" I asked suddenly, the idea occurring to me.

Dr. Cullen was shocked. "No. Of course I didn't. We both knew that she was dying, and she requested that I change you. I admit...I do have my own reason for changing you, besides the fact that I didn't have the heart to disobey Elizabeth, as frantic as she was. It has been too long since I had companionship."

"You bastard."

He looked hurt by the words. "I never would have done it to a stranger. You were dying and your mother wanted you to live."

"Am I alive?"

Uncertainty spread across his face, and I knew that his answer to that was no. "You are breathing," he said.

I held my hand to my heart. There was no movement under my skin. "That means nothing."

The doctor put his hand on my shoulder. "I understand your angst, Edward. I was the same way when I was first turned-"

"Then why did you to this to me, too?"

"Do you want to go to your house and pick up your things?" He turned and in the blink of an eye was holding out another, larger suitcase.

"We're leaving Illinois? Just like that? I was born here, Carlisle. I was raised here. This is all I know."

"Then I suppose it's high time for you to gain some experience in the world outside these walls. Human memories blur in time, Edward, you'll discover that."

"My memories of my parents, of Mary Ann could never fade."

His expression was doubtful. "All in good time. Now, it's best that we leave as soon as possible."

"Dr. Cullen..." I wasn't ready to leave.

"I understand that this is all very sudden. But there is never a good time to leave the ones you love behind." His thoughts showed me a mixture of urgency and sincere kindness. Though I was angry that he would be selfish enough to bring upon me a fate that he did not even want for himself, I knew that he was right, and he did not really mean me any harm. He was an old vampire who had lived a lonely existence.

"Fine. I'll go." There was no forgiveness for him right now, but I could consider it later. After I moved on.

Carlisle put the large suitcase in my hand and we proceeded to his car. He threw his belongings in the trunk and we headed toward my house.

"That's all you're going to bring?" I asked. Taking away one suitcase of belongings hardly seemed sufficient enough to convince a town that their best doctor was leaving.

He shook his head, though. "No. I will come back for the rest later. I think it's a bit more subtle that way."

"Of course." The majority of the car ride was quiet with the exception of the thoughts that were being sent to me from Carlisle's mind and the thoughts that came from the occasional passerby. The first time we passed someone, Carlisle quickly gripped my wrist. Though I had had a spike of thirst in that moment, it had been much worse in the hospital and I hadn't attacked anyone. I knew that at the speed we were moving at, there was no way I could catch them though, as tempting as their blood smelled.

"What?" I asked regarding the gesture.

"You mustn't attack anyone," Carlisle requested.

"I figured," I muttered. He let go of my wrist.

"We'll be at your place shortly," he informed me, and the two of us fell silent until we arrived.

I noticed that there was something wrong immediately when Carlisle parked. The door was open, something that my parents never would have allowed, even if we had been in a rush to get to the hospital. I looked closer and discovered that it had been forced open. It was then that I smelled their blood. I walked into my parents' room; it was not untouched. Thieves. My family was being robbed by some lowlifes that decided that they were going to make a profit off of this horrible disease. I stood still and listened to the swarm of the three peoples' thoughts in my mind.

They had stolen some of my mother's jewelry. They had found my piano, and they were going to try to steal that, too.

An enraged growl escaped my mouth; a sound that I never knew that I was capable of making. Carlisle took notice.

"Edward!" he shouted. There was no time to hold me back before I had run upstairs to face the thieves myself.

They were disgusting, vile creatures and I could see this even more clearly with my newfound vision. One of them held a brown paper bag, stuffed with family valuables, and the other was busy observing my piano, calculating the best way to take it from the house. Both were shocked by my sudden arrival, dropping everything they were doing. I took the paper bag from the first thief too quickly for him to realize what had happened. I put it on the floor behind me to free my hands; this wouldn't take long.

"You think you can steal my family heirlooms? You think you can get away with this?" I shouted. The two robbers were rendered speechless-I was almost surprised at myself. This would be interesting, though. Carlisle had requested that I mustn't attack anyone, and these two clearly were no one. I snarled and lunged toward the man that had held my mother's most precious belongings. His neck was easy to penetrate; the blood flowed into my mouth and soothed my throat as the animal blood had never been able to do, although I imagined purer blood would have tasted even sweeter. The vengeance of this act replaced the taint of his deeds, and I felt no remorse. I saw the other man try to sneak out of the room out of the corner of my eye, and quickly I lashed out and grabbed his throat. These humans were weak; I could destroy them easily. And I would have two meals tonight.

I heard Carlisle's mind more clearly as the two men's minds faded, and realized that the doctor had entered the room. I heard him shout my name, but did not stop, and he did not attempt to stop me. After enjoying the blood of the first man, I moved onto the second, my thirst being satisfied as it had not been since I had been changed. When he was completely dry and my thirst completely quenched, I turned to Carlisle. He looked horrified.

"You mustn't attack anyone!" he told me again.

"You didn't stop me."

"You had already killed them both. I wasn't fast enough..."

"They were trying to capitalize on our deaths." I looked to the beautiful instrument that my parents had passed down to me as a birthday present years ago. "They were trying to take away from me something that is essential to my soul...I have nothing more left, and they tried to take away the last thing..."

"Music is very important to you."

I nodded. "Infinitely so."

He kneeled down and looked into my eyes. "I will try my best to bring it with us," he promised.

That _did_ make things a bit better. At least with my music, I could find some way of understanding this mess. "Thank you," I whispered.

He nodded, his golden eyes the soft color of empathy. It was then that I realized that there were worse things: I could be looking into the eyes of a killer. With Carlisle, I would learn how not to be a monster. There were better fates, of course, but this was not the worst.


	3. Chicago, Illinois: 1928

**I would like to take this time out to apologize for my delay on "A Silent Twilight"...now that this is out of my system, the next chapter should be posted in the next two or three weeks (though I usually give a larger time frame than is needed so that I don't set the bar too high, haha)**

* * *

I barely even noticed the cold when we moved to Alaska. Carlisle assured me that the move was for our best, and that living in such an isolated area would train me to get used to the taste of animal blood. It took only about a year to train me, and in time my eyes were as golden as his. Nothing quite replaced the taste of the blood of the humans I had killed ten years ago, but the substitute that Carlisle had discovered curbed my thirst enough for me to eventually get used to it. In time, I was even able to walk amongst humans without the thirst taking me over.

When that time came, I requested-nay, begged-that I be taken back to my hometown to find out how the people I had left behind had fared. Even after a decade, I still wanted to know whether or not my girlfriend-now ex-girlfriend, I suppose it was implied-was alive. Even if she was with someone else, even if she had not lived...I could not go on with the curiosity. Though my human memories, I soon discovered, were nowhere near as clear as the memories I was creating as a vampire, still the echo of them was there.

Carlisle hesitated when I asked him about the visit. "Are you sure you can handle that? What if you lost control and attack one of your loved ones?"

"I have been around the humans in town and I have been perfectly fine. And I have not attacked anyone since I left Chicago."

"I see it in your eyes sometimes. You think about it."

"But I haven't acted upon it."

"Chicago is much more densely populated than this town. It would be more difficult..."

"If I could just see Mary Ann."

"You don't even know that she is alive."

"Please."

"I have doubts about my ability to hold you back if you were to begin to attack someone." Seeing the determined look my face, he said, "Alright. We'll go to the city today. I'll see how you fare. If you even make the wrong move..."

"Thank you," I muttered. He nodded stiffly, walking away from me.

We performed many checks before leaving for Illinois, going to the nearest city and being around as many people as possible to ensure that I would not attack any of them. I learned that by holding my breath, it was much easier, if only a tad uncomfortable. I had never realized how large of a role that scent played in my life until I tried to live without it. That would be fine, though, if I could finally find out what happened to my Mary Ann.

A month later, I was finally back in the city that I loved. It had changed in the ways that one would expect a city to change in ten years: it was a bit more developed than I had left it. The changes did not render it unrecognizable, though. Although businesses had moved and buildings had appeared, these changes seemed even welcoming. The flu was gone, and the city was recovering. There was a light air of moving on about it. It was refreshing.

Carlisle followed closely behind me on my walk to Mary Ann's house. We arrived on the rainiest day of the year so that the cloud cover would disguise our skin. A step into the Alaskan sun had shown to my horror that my skin shimmered in the sun like a million shattered diamonds when light shone upon it. The phenomenon was obviously not something that we could allow humans to witness, unless they had no hope of surviving an encounter with us, anyway.

Elation washed over me when I reached the doorstep and read the minds of the people inside. One of these mess of thoughts belonged to my Mary Ann. I was almost in too much disbelief to knock on the door. She was alive. She was healthy and...I listened to one of her thoughts-she was with someone else. Of course. I could hardly expect her to not move on after all this time. It was natural for her to find someone else, after I disappeared. And after all, her happiness was the important thing. I could not be in love with her in this state, with this secret. I listened to the love that she was feeling towards this new boy, and willed myself not to be heartbroken. Finally, I knocked on the door. It was not enough just to know she was alive. I wanted to see her face one last time.

The brown hair framed her face the same way it had ten years ago, back when we were happy and in love together. Her bright eyes had the same sparkle of passion that I had gazed into that night when we sat in the tree together. In fact, her features were even more beautiful than they had been when I had left her, making me want her even more. I longed to reach out and touch her soft lips, caress her face with my hand, kiss her again, but that was an impossibility. Even the action of knocking on her door and allowing her to see me was going too far. Speaking to her was a step even further that I knew I should not take, but decided to anyway.

"Mary Ann." My voice cracked with happiness.

"Edward!" Her hand flew to her mouth in shock and her eyes were brimmed with tears. "I thought you were dead," she choked out. "All these years-" She extended her arms and advanced toward me. I backed away.

"What's the matter? I haven't seen you in ten years."

_Mary Ann, you don't know how much it kills me that I can't hold you after all this time. _"How are you?" I asked instead of voicing my thoughts. _She_ was thinking about what she had done wrong, why I wasn't willing to even hug her. So now I was causing her guilt...

"I...No, how have you been? I was so sure that you were dead. I went to your house and everything was gone. Not a trace. I was sure you had been robbed, and if you were alive, you never would have let that happen."

Carlisle must have cleaned the house up well if no one noticed that two people had had their blood sucked from their bodies. That was on the list of things that were not to be discussed. "I left quickly. I am sorry. I...I thought you were dead, too. I figured, there was no point staying here..."

"Have you been back to your house?"

I took in a breath of air; Mary Ann had a scent that was a sweet fusion of apples and lilacs. I managed to turn that sense off quickly enough that her aroma did not affect me much. "No, I haven't been. I just wanted to see you."

"Really?" She smiled and our eyes locked. She was wondering how she would possibly have the heart to introduce me to her new beau. Instead of bringing him outside, though, she cocked her head and made an observation. "Weren't your eyes green? I know they were...I could never forget those emerald eyes..."

I felt a smile twitch across my face, but did not allow it to fully form. How I wished that those green eyes she spoke of were still mine...that it was possible for me to be the one in her house, laughing with her and enjoying her company. _Put your heart back together, Edward. She's not yours anymore._

"It was so wonderful to see you again. I wish the best for your happiness, but I must be leaving now. I will miss you."

"You-"

"I can't stay, and I can't explain why not," I interjected.

She reached for my hand, and again I backed away. "You really are the most beautiful person I have ever met, Edward. We have to depart again?"

This was going to lead down a road that I did not want to travel on.

"At least this time we get to say goodbye," I told her. I leaned toward her to kiss her goodbye, but thought better of it. I longed to give her some sort of clue as to how I had been living all these years, but it would break our kind's secrets. And I could not have some other vampire come after her if I was going to be unable to defend her. There was more to it than, that of course-how would I control myself if my lips touched her warm skin? How would she react to the ice cold feeling? No, it was best to minimize contact.

"Good bye, Mary Ann," I said, lips close to hers but not touching them.

"Good bye, Edward," she responded, voice cracking. She yearned for at least a hug, but I turned away. My life in this city was now over, and I would never return to this place again.


End file.
